Thursday, November 16, 2023

tomboy extreme. that's all it has to be.

I can be tomboy extreme. I don’t have to be anything else and I don't need to prove it to anyone either. As although I’ve been thrilled by accepting masculinity in me, I still have been lamenting what it means to ‘give up’ femininity. I realise that’s the issue, I still can feel like a woman! But I’m confused and oh-so-autistic, I don’t really know how to deal with it. I accept I have always disliked the gay/queer rulemaking that says you have to know precisely where you are along a vast amount of infinite genders and alignments. I have always avoided it because I thought it was make-believe for the longest time, or at least, somewhat shoved it out of my consciousness, but then I started to see the world a bit more openly. I have healed a lot post psychoses, enough to begin to dabble in the world of the waking a bit more actively, to begin to want to find new community. I admit, I have been seemingly one dimensional, switching identity and hopping onto being trans. Nobody's business how much it spoke to me. I like to feel secure in set rules and regulations, that's why it’s rather scary to admit I can feel somewhere in the middle. I’ve decided, I’ll keep the trans flag patch on my backpack, but I won’t exert pronouns on anyone, and I will maintain my right to feel like a ‘tomboy extreme’. That’s just all it has to be. I realise I have always been someone that feels ‘maleness’ in me, but it doesn’t undermine this feminine feeling. The issue is, I thought I wanted to be a sort of ‘normal’ woman. Even if I recognise I’m allowed to stay righteously female, I now see that may not be a ‘normal’ woman in many regards. This may challenge some of the future goals and concepts I held of myself, that’s why it’s been so tough, because my future is being shaken up a lot by having this internal epiphany. I don’t need the gender police getting on my case, telling me that gender is complex and not binary. Ooochie wooochie, leave me alone. I've gone through enough this year. I thought I wanted to be a normal woman back in May. I acted upon an instinct, and now I see that I know who the fuck I am. It’s tomboy extreme. It’s something I think is a funny way of describing myself. It isn’t any gay-ass queer label. Labels are for pickle jars, not humans. Everyone else's enslavement to labels is apparent in how they need to proclaim themselves a transmasculine they/them nonbinary and mess with everyone’s heads rather than just joke about being ‘tomboy extreme’ and sucking it up when people assume you're a girl.

I get it now. I’m tomboy extreme. 

I don’t want to mutilate my body or voice, nor even wear the binder unless it’s a day I feel like it. I realise now that I have proclaimed I’m trans, but that was a fortnight ago. I have accepted I want to hold onto being a woman too. It’s nobody's business what I’ve blogged about and whether I’ve been emotionally seeming to flip-flop around too much. Who fucking cares. 

People get married, divorced, fall in and out of love, have children or regret having them later or not. People change their hair, realise they are lesbian or gay in the middle of their lives or even later, I know because I’ve met them all. People make seemingly permanent decisions that shapeshift and change with time, but guess what, there is no fucking Shikieiki Yamaxanadu standing at at the end of the Sanzu River determining whether you go to hell for thinking you’re trans for a fortnight! 

Because yes, other people don’t succumb to whims like I do, this isn’t just my personality, but my biological makeup as they don’t succumb to ‘mania’ like I have either. They probably gradually and determinedly make the announcement they are any sexuality or gender. I clung to trans very quickly, because the affinity for masculine hit me like an epiphany. At the end of the day, I don’t have to prove shit to people. I am still wearing humble bras because society expects it of women and because honestly I feel insecure with my nips pointing out. It’s not a good look, regardless of whether you’re trying to exert trans masculinity over poor unsuspecting onlooker eyes, not gonna lie. 

I’ve told the internet I’m trans, I’ve told my family too. It hit me in only over a fortnight really, I hit a bit too fast. My therapist reckons that I don’t have to assess my bedroom and wonder ‘is this the room of a transboy?’ and question this inner masculinity. I realise this bittersweet feeling is because I don’t want to give up being a woman. I want to be proud of this biological body. I have never experienced dysphoria, so that is probably proof I am not entirely trans. Whatever. I felt something, I researched it as much as my brain could possibly understand the ridiculous gender wiki or Tumblr, wafts of farty words streaming from someone's butthole, that have little meaning to my sense of self because they are just goddamn words. They are just alignments. They are just feelings. 

I still feel like a woman, I accept that now. I have been confused because I accepted within me I feel male very strongly too. It isn’t some wishy-washy they/them inclination, it’s just accepting that I want to make life easy for people I meet, and for me. I don’t want to change my pronouns on every sign up form, to let people know that I want my masculinity recognised. It's bullcrap. Right now I accept I don’t care, this has been an awakening to different ways of perceiving myself, but I can still be a woman? I am still a girl. I don’t have to abide by anyone's imaginary fucking gender wiki bullshit, and just because I have all these posts on my blog doesn't mean I am beholden to them forever. Not one bit. Because unlike Shikieiki Yamaxanadu determining whether a soul is black or white, evil or good, this life isn't like that. I am more than some pronoun limiting how people perceive me but you know what, at least I'm not some teenager exerting a new pronoun and new name on the people that love them just because it makes them feel special and like they have control. 

I am still Vela. 

Vela is a feminine sounding name but it has never threatened me true self this long. I get it now, I see trans is valid to some extent, but I don't have to be limited to this horrid gender crapola which I've always loathed. I've tried to be more open minded but no, I am not that needy to belong with the queer crew. I am still a she/her to all the nice normal people I will ever meet, and to you, gender police, go throw a stink that I've been processing it all so seemingly quickly, it's called being alive, maybe you should try it. Cya~

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