This morning I pleasantly woke up, rolled over to my side and checked my phone to discover that some dude on this local Touhou discord gave me unwanted feedback on a screengrab of this in progress Mima I had posted. He said the face was 'masculine', the colors 'dull' and nose 'off centre' and ended the whopping two paragraphs by calling it all 'art crit'. It's all about art, innit? What I can produce and give to people otherwise, what worth do you have?
The 'masculine' comment is particularly well timed and hilarious given everything I've been processing in last fortnight, such as what makes a 'woman' exactly. In the end, the feedback from this dude doesn't offend me, but it does teach me something. To some dumb people, my art will never be enough. It will always be 'dull colors' and 'masculine' faces which they can't possibly fathom because it doesn't look exactly the same as every other piece of bland anime girl artwork. His feedback is wrong on many levels, such as being subjectively wrong because he doesn't like the 'masculinity' presented in this character's face. I have always known that artists put bits of themselves into their work, such as how they perceive their bodies and faces, so it is no astonishingly new news that I try to make my female characters have this edge to them because it's how I see my own face. I hardly however, consider this piece of Mima 'masculine' in the face like, what the actual fuck, so I have to respectfully disagree with his feedback.
It does emphasise something, that people are quite oblivious to my struggles with art. They will just express pity if I say I have 'brain damage', which my psychiatrist says I don't have, so this is me just resorting to a depressed outlook because years of healing hasn't shown quantifiable improvement. I have done heaps of animations in recent fortnight, coinciding with this rebirth I've felt regarding accepting I may not be entirely 'cisgendered'. I realise now that I don't have to give up this happy feeling, because I see now that I can be at peace with the traces of 'masculinity' in me without giving up this pride in being a woman.
It has been a bit of a unneeded whirlwind blasting through my life, as I honestly crave normalcy and I didn't ask for these intrusive thoughts that were questioning my gender. I realise that people are right, gender isn't binary and I don't have to swicheroo over to new pronouns just because I spy some masculine traits in me. It isn't so black-and-white, but that is typically how I see the world, and imagining that life can be full of ambiguous grey splodges of varying lightness and darkness is a bit scary.
Anyways, I can't produce good art on a consistent basis due to this mysterious long term impairment. How do you think that makes me feel? Worthless? Nah bro. I'm beyond feeling so petty, miserly and worthless all the time. Life is pretty great and writing is a valid pastime. Not many people will get it, as to quote some bozos from a bludge-of-a-Media class I was enrolled in last year said when we we're forced to make a WordPress blog for the class: "Who the hell has time to blog? *giggle*"
I've thankfully discarded nearly all the pissy-posts from this last fortnight because I processed gender enough to realise I'm proudly female, and don't have to be anything else. I thought I'd dump a few of the better pictures back here. Below is my 'Femto shrine' plus some animations from game jam. This Femto shrine sure makes me happy when I look at it. It's so grotesque and nasty and I'm certain many Berserk 'fans' would be rearing to argue with me as to why I would ever purchase a statuette of such a horrible villain but, it's complicated.