Monday, October 30, 2023

feeling more at home in my body

It's not like I'm 'trying' to do anything new other than ditch the bras. I have an entire drawer filled with black shirts, camo pants, and idk just in general gender neutral t-shirts reading GLOBAL GAME JAM 2016 or YARINGA MARINA (where we ended up on our chaotic disaster boat trip, long story). Most aren't women's fit shirts, and I feel more at peace with them when they're bigger. It's not like I'm 'trying' to hide in baggy shirts because I am proud of my slender body, but once this chest binder thing arrives I'm certain I will feel more comfortable wearing something tighter but overall, for my entire life, I've felt more comfortable with clothes that fit loosely on me. I like 'loose' clothing, which is codename for slackydacks. My predisposition towards very loose jeans tends to look sloppy and not like how it fits on normal men, now that I think about it. Otherwise, skinny jeans are too tight and less my style, but I impulse bought a pair the other day, before I tried on baggy pants and felt dysphoric because I realised I needed the pants -- a desire to ascend beyond tomboyish.

My strong face, when paired with short hair in the past, means some people deduced I was a boy, such as the neighbor when we had a garage sale, he says to my dad: "Oh you're getting him to do all the work?" Otherwise at Adelaide Uni in a lame media class, a girl said "lets name our group 'boy band' since I'm the only girl!" Another peer messaged me saying "she thinks you're a...." to which I said, "It's fine, I don't mind."

Looking at the Ghanda brand t-shirts online (since I'm going to Glenelg today, where there's limited shopping) I feel and affinity with the buzz cut men modelling. No because of a desire to bang them, but because I wish I could 'pass' as boy. There is strong evidence believe my strong face, fit body with flat chest indicates that I can 'pass' as a sofff looking man. I've started to feel a euphoria associated with being able to feel masculine from within this biologically female body. It makes me feel strong and like these characteristics in my physique means people think this 'ugly girl' is in fact meant to be hot within a different gender. lmfao.

I've been going on about being 'the femto' or a long time. This isn't new. I have put it in my bios everywhere because femto has a dark power that is canonical. He is pretty horrible and I am willfully ignoring all of that in favour of seeing him as a transmasculine icon. I have a gorgeous expensive statuette (not a mere figurine) on my bedside drawer. It is absolutely a witches altar, complete with Ryuunosuke Uryuu figurine and a castle snow-globe-music box with a dragon winding around it, from my babysitter, which is just as Berserk-like. 

This isn't new, I've felt this way for a long time. People may think its sudden, but chopping off my hair at 2:30pm today IS sudden. Changing your hair can change a face, and therefore change how others see you. I've chopped off my hair, grown it out, repeat, for around three times since 2020. I want to stick to a haircut, and today I'm going with something with more length than a dire pixie, but enough to convey people should think before assigning me to be cis. Femto just feels sexual, feels confident with his body, feel surging with a dark power. He has hips and defined thick legs, but still looks limber, slender, muscles in all the right places. It's not a desire to boff femto, it's a desire to BE HIM. I've felt it so strongly within myself for so long, and tmi but when I look in the mirror, I don't see a gorgeous woman. I've always felt teetering on the edge of gender neutral, but I feel more than androgynous. A desire and urge and tendency to feel masculine presents itself in many ways. How I talk, what I talk about, making bro friends all the time, feeling at home with the bros, how I hold myself and so much more. I guess it is a feeling. I guess I've been fighting it because I don't want to seem like I'm jumping on a bandwagon and changing my identity, but the issue is, I've been hiding this, wearing plaid and slackydacks, and unwilling to accept I feel at home in traditionally male things. Fixating on Touhou and Berserk isn't a defining factor, but it does imply things.

People may stare at me if they feel confused, they may call me a boy/man again. I'm not rearing to change my pronouns just yet, it's more a desire to embrace this maleness within female body that fills me with gender esctasy. And I can 'pass'! I've 'passed' without even trying before! I'm hoping these thoughts don't fade. It doesn't feel like a whim. It feels like a way of redefining myself to embrace what I'm already been doing so naturally. So yeah, not a whim. Not a phase. It's been a long time coming and a lot of repressing to get to the stage where I realize, this body is hot, and I can be hotter.

Over and out.

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