Friday, October 27, 2023

my big fat transmasculine struggle with dressing myself

Since depression and soul crushing dread of psychosis, I find it impossible to dress myself very well. I am only accepting this now as I begin to peel myself out of depression. I used to struggle with ironing, folding and such a tad, but since psychosis, I've fallen into terrible slovenly habits.

I'm slender, athletic without doing much more than speed walking, and can easily wear size 8 bottoms although I have so much size 9 things. I just bought some size 8 cargo style black pants that sit perfectly at my waist, despite recent years of me not really exercising harder than just casual walking and rowing machine once in awhile. Point is I'm healthy and slim, that's not the problem. I haven't flaunted it, barely ever, that's the issue. :(

I've been posting selfies of me in changerooms at Levi's and Cotton On lol, where I speed-bought jeans and some stuff all in a morning. I have a bad habit of buying things that don't suit me. Everything I own can be summarised in a few categories, let me explain.

--Shit I bought for the pattern or design, such as baggy Moomin tees from UNIQLO. Not flattering or at least, I don't pair them the right way. The pattern attracted my artists eye lmfao.

--Shit that family has given me that I will never wear, such as massive yellow 'skirt' from Sri Lanka. Sorry dad. I'm terrible, maybe I'll wear it this summer to the beach.  :(

--Shit that I bought and have worn into the ground. I now have jeans with unfashionable holes in them. 

--Shit that I impulse bought but struggle to pair it the right way, such as having the right bra for, such as a tiny green 'corset' style top that I'm terrified of revealing so much skin or wearing it the wrong way. I admit, I don't have the fashion sense to know if I can wear a shirt under it. 

There's plenty more, but many of the things I own can fall into those above categories. I have hoodies that have frayed at the seams from overwearing, jeans that have become baggy although I've stayed the same skinny for years. I don't know, but I had a near breakdown yesterday because family pointed out that I don't put in much effort with how I look, and astutely pointed out that everyone dresses up because they want a partner. I'm not actively looking for a partner, but fuck, I would like to make a sexy impression.

I realised in utter despair, that my room was monstrously chaotic. Everything higgledy-piggledy in drawers, not sorted, not folded. Its embarrassing to admit I haven't taken pride in something so basic. This has been the damage of 'depression', nah bro, utter 'dread', utter 'hopelessness', utter 'i-don't-really-feel-alive-without-art-skills', that's what it is. I should be proud that I'm doing it now right? Well, future me will be happy once I've spent a week wearing matching socks for once. Once I've worn a top that isn't stained or wrinkled in a corner. Much of this stuff I need to throw away, not donate, because I've stained in all my artistic rampages like when screen printing. I can donate a lot, and I bet some people would be over the moon to have a Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur tee, or a frilly orange floral top, the latter being a feminine style I don't like on myself.

My style is nearly masculine and that's my issue. I've been overdoing it on the plaid for ages, something that makes my skinny body get lost in the folds. But...can I be 'tomboyish' without hiding my body by mistake? I think wearing this black pants are a start, wearing shirts that fit me. Doesn't have to be feminine lacy thin strappy things, but I like tank tops and bold, 'strong' feeling clothes. 

I'm going to work with what I have. 

I'm going to not have a breakdown, but it was warranted. I feel like I had no pride in my body before I cleaned my room and went shopping this Saturday morning. I need to have pride in my body, and that isn't just showering regularly despite depression, but presenting myself with pride. I admit it now. I'm not going to cry, I'm just going to deal with it and go shopping and organise what I have. I have no doubt my family will still think these Cotton On bold black pants are too close to what I had before, but I saw countless women with similar pants on, owning it. know they mean well, but I need to tell my family to back off somedays. 

It comes down to some gender I'm still....grappling with despite my age.

I admire cute frilly lacy pink clothes on women, because I can be attracted to women. I want to express myself as a 'tomboy' but have always thought I am a....cis...woman? Hiding in plaid and hoodies every day may not be good for my self esteem, but I'm not about to go and lie to myself and wear things that straight men want to see. It does speak to the gayness in me and makes me realise, I may not fit well into either categories of butch or straight girl. I have even questioned about being transmasculine briefly in the past, especially when manic, note the 'when manic' part.

Thus, there is a bit of incongruity over how I currently present myself. :(

I may try to wear a cute skirt like I did last Tuesday, but my somewhat masculine bits to me scream a different message. My brain begins to revolt and I realise as extremely autistic, I may struggle more with knowing what my heart wants. I don't even know why I have felt like a star-shaped peg in a boring square hole.

I'm fearful to 'present as male' or whatnot although I have accidentally in the past, as a pixie cut makes me a man apparently. Also I'm reluctant to say I'm transmasculine simply because I exert that sort of 'non-female' aura sometimes.  It's all very confusing. I met some 'gender fluid' people at Autism Meetup so I understand I'm not alone. It made me realise I might have been repressing it. I don't care about belonging with the in-crowd of LGBTQI+ (far from it),  I care about being true to myself. So with much deliberation...I am starting to understand myself through clothes.

Right now, I realise this wardrobe angst is in fact over something deeper. A angst with what I wear is tied into me not feeling happy with how I present myself. Not quite straight, not quite womanly. Not quite confident in this skin, although I'm attractive I guess? I am terrified now that I begin to contemplate it. Probably because I haven't accepted my behaviour and personality is 'masculine' to some extent, more than some of these other gender fluid folks, honestly. 

But telling people you're transmasculine, trans.... sounds like an extreme decision. I don't want to cut my hair short again right now and force people to say a different pronoun. I still feel like a woman. It's funny how psychosis shows a big fat 'capital T' Truth. It feels good to not force myself into skirts but also, it feels good to be balanced. To be me. I think I am softly trans if anything. I just want to be me.

All I know is every time I wear a skirt, a pink top, or lipstick...

I realise I'm lying to myself. 

Over and out.

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