Thursday, September 28, 2023

self soothing (for autism and trauma?)

Feeling like shit, just gonna be real. Got into a tiff with a extended family member last night and despite us making amends, I feel like garbage. It's not like anyone is ever there to read this. My site is dead and blogger is dead, I can't create, I can't give enough art to people, so I am a nobody. 

We dried to continue dad's big "Going back to Adelaide" boat trip but got stranded in Apollo Bay, Victoria when our steering failed, eeep. Yeah, so me and dad's partner took buses and flew back to Adelaide.

I am trying to self soothe in a (more) constructive way. I've already thinned my hair from twirling it way too much. I also spin a fidget ringer and feel like my hand is naked without it. I also do a horrible habit of oversharing into Instagram when upset, which has probably given me a notorious reputation to everyone who follows me. :(

So, how can I self soothe? I exercised on the rowing machine this afternoon, and showered for starters, but its not enough. I don't turn to food or drink thankfully, I am very skinny because I don't have the compulsion to eat when emotional. Drawing was my most cherished activity, but since my accident, it hasn't been a very soothing thing anymore. Although lately it's been a tad easier than usual. I got into doing oil pastels (below) when we went on a bus trip to Lorne and I sat by the beachside, it helped me loosen up and have fun with bold color. My mood depends so much on whether I think my art is good or not. I am trying to overcome this soul crushing dread and insecurity that I am only worth as much as my art. I am having trouble breathing right now, because an extended family member said some intense shit to me. I am feeling faint and need to blog for the sake of feeling so completely fucking worried for something I'm doing in future, and whether I'll be able to do it, whether people will judge me forever or not---- god someone kill me. 

I can't lose myself in writing. It is painful, writing is not my medium of choice. I want to be working as an artist again, not doing this school shit. It's going to make me go manic again, and nobody is there for me. Dad is off fixing boat in Victoria, I need support. I have autism and bipolar and life is tough for me right now. I'm trying to get over the fact that the adults in my life all have hideous blind spots that are driving me NUTS. They all don't see their weaknesses when I am so aware of mine. I am an intense person and struggle with regulating emotions when I have such dark intense, traumatic experiences and fear for things in the future. Everyday is tough for me. If I have to vent here to get out the evil, so be it. I want to be kinder so, are there is things I can do to feel better.....?

Dance! Twilight dancing! Just a few more hours and it'll be perfect. Someday, this body will no longer able to bound and leap but for now, I'll take what I have. To heal over this trauma, years upon years of psychotic attacks, ruining my life, I can begin to flourish again. 

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