Friday, August 25, 2023

On being out of the industry (for now...)

I've taken a break from work due to the traumatic impact of psychosis, that I've made clear. Since I've bolstered up my art skills and recovered however, I've taken more notice of the studios asking me for work. I'm getting hundreds of daily views on this blog, unless blogger is lying? Maybe it's due to my years of content, but I overall do not have many subscribers. I thought I'd mention my feelings on being 'out of work' or more like, an outsider in an industry that you once called tentatively a home. 

Of course, nobody can call the animation industry a cushy line of work, it's too risky isn't it? Nobody can be certain they'll have a job in six months, unless they're constantly working to improve! I knew I could make it, if I was on my tippie-toes and arrived at work every day intending to do my best drawings yet. I am very lucky to have worked for nearly 6 years and this experience with Netflix/Dreamworks predominately is why other studios seem to take me seriously. I'm not inundated with work requests. Its not like I'm famous, but, they do pop up. To outsiders, I'm told, 'take the jobs!'. From acquaintances that don't quite understand my predicament. 

To be outside of the industry for now fills me with FOMO. I see other animators having normal artistic careers, but mine has appeared cruelly cut short. I've had to face a darkness that heck, what if I can't draw well ever again? The pictures below fight that fear, but it's what I've been grappling with. An obscene darkness that I may never be the same every again, simply because of psychosis (and I didn't do drugs to deserve it, ok).

I guess the fear of missing out is what hurts the most right now. I want an illustrious career and personal artistic development, I want to grow and be epic! But alas, art has been so very painful, for mysterious reasons. I have some hints on why its been this way, but its too early to say what is the culprit. 

I had two different people approach me in under a fortnight, unprompted, just asking if I was available. My focus is studying, since and really want to finish school for good before moving back into working. 

I want to envision a beautiful future where I have degree and am back in storyboarding work, I will be grateful for anything really. Because right now, working as an artist again has seemed impossible in my warped eyes! Absolutely out of the question! Maybe due to my autism seeing my current work (below) as 'not good enough' to keep up with the demands of animation work? I am now just building up confidence that I can do the cartoony gestures required. 

I'm trying to bridge this part of my mind that's experienced trauma, and can see a beautiful future again. Yes, it's been that depressing, I haven't even allowed myself the ability to dream of a happy future. I am becoming so damn grateful for the smallest things in life, even just like seeing fluttering butterflies in my path. I'm forcing myself into gratitude and some days are harder than others, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, but I'm told not to use cliches so much.

Anyways, what was I meaning to say? Maybe that there's no shame in taking a break from work for whatever reason. I've been somewhat forced into it, I admit, but I am regaining a sense of control with every day. Its not just art, but cooking meals, taking care of myself and doing studies. So, I need to finish this degree, just for fact I can feel content that I actually finished a degree instead of getting cold feet and flailing out of it, like I did with CalFarts. I feel like a rare condition, as basically everyone else has perfect lives, but whatever. I need to go cook a stew.

Below are some life drawings from 'Hubbe Court', Burnside, some paintings (one for a story for class and some train sketches.