I started an animatic to another Monstercat song in 2019. Yeah, way back before all this chaos blossomed. I have wanted to get back into doing animation projects lately, but simply animating hasn't scratched the itch for me. I crave storytelling, I crave depicting an emotional journey as a whole. Sometimes illustrating meaningful things does this, but I also love the adrenaline of crafting moving drawings.
So I thought, well, there is that animatic I started ages ago that is in a solid place, but needs refined drawings and 'inbetweens', yes, because modern day storyboarding is basically animating in my experience. I have 5+ years of experience but worry that my past employers have eyed me like eagles this entire time I've been struggling, and come to conclusion that I am not worth hiring. Probably because of my autism and bipolar, which are fairly problematic when they aren't controlled, as I've learnt the hard way. T__T I'm just living for the day when I feel at peace and without this dread in my head. I feel this way because I've had my art abilities dampened significantly and have felt like I've lost a part of myself, permanently I have thought. No. Doctors all say it'll come back. It is quite a feat to draw for solid hours, as I find it very draining. It's painful since I used to live at my Cintiq, now it's like an alien monolith I'm slowly decrypting.
It would be nice to put all my 'skills' together and make splendid background illustrations for my animations. I want hope more than anything. With every stroke of the pen, I pray. I want to feel like I have a future, I haven't been gifted such a luxury. Others don't know this agony in my heart, but I have gradually been learning to love myself and with every month spent out of a ward, I can feel my brain start to heal.
On a side note, I love my glowing rainbow keyboard I cleaned with compressed air recently. I am also grateful for the Rooibos tea poured for me by my dad's partner this afternoon. I'm filled with an appreciation for the glittering brilliant little joys in this life. Little things like happiness gleamed from new favorite songs, from doing any drawing that turns out ok and telling myself 'that's a good one!'. There is also doing a little dancing around the craft room in the twilight hours. Also grateful for getting into Osu!, although I notice the website happens to be down right now.
I hope I can better approach life with optimism that things can and will get better, I have indulged in pessimism and misery too long, I'm done with it. Someday soon I'll be able to live independently again, have a job, make new friends and confidently face life with a smile, to conquer this darkness that has been plaguing me. The memories of the ward and time on the streets haunt me, but my mind is my temple, and I can control how I feel. It is hard, but I can see a way through it all. Don't really know what else to ramble about for today. Dad says it's no wonder I'm a writer, I'm so damn melodramatic. Below is some arts, over and out~
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