Sunday, December 18, 2022

on being positive online

I guess I've sought validation online. Because I can always cheer you up, knowing someone liked your art, or something you said. I know a lot of people feel this way, or at least subconsciously enjoy it.

I've endured hideous depression since psychosis. Losing my ability to work, do my hobby and even just feel happy. I don't think many psychotic sufferers suffer well,...THAT MUCH.

I have noticed since leaving my salty-bitter WordPress that I feel more inclined to be positive, and put my best foot forward (online especially). We live in a digital world, and people are constantly assessing you based on what content you put out there. I've decided, my art is worth it, and to keep pursuing this good feeling I get through creating digital paintings. It's a change that's only happened in a week, and I'm desperate to keep it up, but it's a daily decision I make to say 'I will do my best art with what I have'.

Instacorn and the little refugee children
It was based off of this picture I drew at Margaret Tobin Ward, Flinders, SA.

I find it hard to be positive given what I've endured. People close to me are telling me they just want me to be happy, but I've had my life wrecked. What I am capable of doing is leaning into art side of things, just while thinking positively. 

I find my old WordPress posts acutely and absolutely cringe. It truly shows that I was suffering, that I was hurting beyond words and turned to angry attacks on the world to sate an insecurity. I am pretty self aware, unlike plenty of others. I just have wanted to change truly, to not be a burden on the ones I love, and to be able to look back on these hardest years of my life and say I found some beauty. I know who I don't want to be, someone that squandered life in depression because she let her intense life experiences get the best of her. 

Instead, I am trying to take my experiences and make the best art I can do. Some are based off of strange drawings I drew at Margaret Tobin Flinders or the Glenside precinct. Some are based off of visions I have seen, which won't be believed. Other are based off of real life things I did, but with a fantastical spin on things. Basically, it means too much to me to tell these stories, to explore the worlds I've been in, than to sit around and sulk. I mean, at least I'm capable of redrawing AI art.

Made by the Midjourney Discord thingy. Prompt was "Pinkie Pie and Remilia Scarlet eating ice-cream in a mall"

Based off the Midjourney discord art above

Life has dealt me some shit cards, but I'm trying to smile. I've felt like I can't fit in with other artists. That they will see I'm not 'good' and judge me. This fear has eaten away at me and made me afraid of engaging with people that otherwise I would want to hang out with. I put in the effort of reaching out to a few people and got responses. I am starting to heal. Starting to feel competent, in control and above all else, happy again. I don't want to jinx it, knock on wood I have no more accidents. Knock knock.

WIP from a bigger picture.

I want to do the Global Game Jam Adelaide in 2023. I want to keep participating with making art and collaborating and doing fun things. I want to maybe even find work, as a Bachelor of Arts hasn't been exactly the most enthralling thing in the world. Oh, but am I ready to work? Friends have posed that question at me. Well, I can do these pictures as I've posted up on this blog and site. I applied for a job which I'll probably get ignored for, but I saw the work of other people applying and know my work has a chance. I can sketch relatively well somewhat fast and am slowly building up my 'sitting at a Cintiq all day' muscles.

Anyways, this has been enough, just thought I'd dump art and give my two cents.

No comments:

Post a Comment